My draft about New York continues to grow. I'm still struggling to find the words that do the experience justice, and the motivation to lose myself in this search when there are so many other things that I want or have to do every day. Having to catch an earlier bus than I used to means that I also have to get to bed earlier, so I'm aware of the limited window I have to accomplish something, but I often find myself staying up too late when I don't feel like I managed to write that e-mail, edit those pictures, work on the blog post, or even read the book or watch that movie or TV show that I've been wanting to forever.
I was thinking of writing another post about how I spend a lot of time on social media, but don't really do much reach out or connect aside from the most passive means possible, but I've already drawn from that well in the "30 in 30" exercise. It's not like I'm completely apartment-bound: in the last two weeks I went to a theatre workshop and my friends' annual joint birthday party, but I feel like I'm not as bold about forcing myself to go out and meet new people as I was when I first came to Halifax. The familiarity of places and faces sometimes feels a little oppressive.
I sometimes feel like I've been trained to accept what is instead of actively striving for the life and self I truly want, just in case I can't recover from a false move. I don't trust my judgement, lean on other's expectations and weigh my decisions based on what would get me some sort of pain-free validation. I try to do what's expected, and don't have much energy to reach beyond that.
I'm 33 now. I've been acutely aware of my advancing age. There's a part of me that knows I should be striving towards some semblance of Responsible Adulthood, but have I just boxed myself into this comfortable post-adolescence? Would I be able to gather enough momentum to drastically change my path if it was necessary?
What would it take to break out of "default" mode?