I didn’t sleep well on Sunday night. It’s easy for me to sleep the weekend away, but as soon as I have to prepare my body to go to bed and wake up at specific times of the day, my mind starts filling with fragments of songs, random questions that don’t need answering, and hypothetical conversations I could possibly have. When my brain starts making this much noise, I always have trouble ignoring it. My mind usually quiets down when I’m at work, but it’s not really the best place to lose myself in the stillness.
I’ve been feeling a general discontent these days. I took a social media fast to see if it would help, but I’m not sure if that’s what I need for this particular restlessness; I usually just end up living in my head instead. That said, I’m enjoying blogging more than social media these days. Sometimes with the latter I feel like I’m putting too much of myself out there while also hiding: I can be raw with a general audience on my blog, but feel like I have to keep my guard up when on Facebook or interacting with people on an individual level. I also look through my friends list or contacts and think “hey, maybe I should text so-and-so” but then find myself at a loss as to what I would say, or feel like I’m not sufficiently close enough to them (either to begin with or anymore) for an unsolicited message. Constantly exposing myself to that feeling gets old, and sometimes I just don’t want to see people’s takes on the “Baby It’s Cold Outside” debate (for what it’s worth, I’m not a fan of holiday music in general) or whatever the algorithms decide I need to see.
I don’t feel like I’m actually imposing as much by having people opt into reading my neurotic navel-gazing by putting it all on the website, though sometimes I feel like I’m trying too hard to get people to read it anyway.
Lately it seems like I’ve been leaving my executive function at the office. When I’m at work, I get shit done, but as soon as I’m back at the apartment I get in this mindset where I can barely complete a task, whether it’s a chore or for pleasure. I haven’t been taking the computer out to coffee shops in a while so maybe I need to start doing that again. I’ve only been to the Glitter Bean a few times since it opened. It's the kind of place that’s needed in Halifax (which could always use more queer spaces), but I never seem to bring myself to go the few extra blocks down the street.
Sometimes I feel like I’m wearing a disguise or costume tailored entirely to others’ expectations or perceptions of who I am. I don’t know what’s underneath, but I don’t really have the time or space to figure that out right now.
Do you find yourself in solitude, or do you need to explore this with other people?