In my hidey hole

I’m currently in one of my moods where I feel the need to take a break from people whenever I can. I’m not sure if this is the depression flaring up again, but my energy’s been lower than usual and I’ve been minimizing the amount of time I spend in public outside of work.

I’m craving space, something that’s harder to come by in this age where you get to see what everyone does from minute to minute. I’m not on a complete social media hiatus, but right now I just log into Facebook and Instagram to clear notifications, and Twitter is mostly for catching up on the latest news, researching and sharing new SNL reviews as well as the occasional retweet; even that I limit my time on because the world is currently on fire. I just feel like I’m wasting too much energy on trying to make myself feel “seen” and sifting through my feeds to feel like I know what’s going on in my friends’ lives, while at the same time hiding from actually interacting with them. To be honest, it all feels like I’m trying to substitute one kind of boredom for another.

There’s really not a whole lot I really have to say either, and I figure it’s also better to give other people some space instead of saying the same things over and over or driving them away by burdening them with every last neurosis or insecurity. Last week, I either ran into or passed by a number of former colleagues from the same workplace in the same day. If they acknowledged me, I would say hi and chat, but if they didn’t I wouldn’t bother going out of my way to do so. To be honest, I feel a little relief if I pass by someone else undetected; small talk never feels natural to me. This city is also too small sometimes, and I really feel it when I find myself trying to imperceptibly inch away from someone at the bus terminal to avoid being dragged back into a swamp of pining.

I’m trying to use this extra time to work on some of my projects or hobbies, but for the most part, I’ve been sleeping; as soon as I get home, I lay on the bed, the cat purrs, and I’m eventually lulled into sleep for an hour or so. I want to carve out a bit more time to read or listen to music, but I haven’t really been in the right mood to do so. Gotta love what happens when you hide inside your own mind.