Not much exciting going on these days; winter still has me mainly seeking warm apartments and minimizing time outside. The last few days brought a snow storm and freezing rain that turned my apartment building’s driveway into an impassable frozen hazard for a few hours, and this morning brought bitterly cold wind. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been so tired in the last little while.
My sleep hasn’t been the greatest for a while, but this past week or so I’ve really been feeling particularly groggy during the daytime. I’m brain-farty and keeping more to myself as opposed to nodding off at work (I just forgot what month it was); having a cubicle all to myself in a quiet corner of the office at least gives me a little more leeway to be in this condition, but even though I’m always on top of my work, I can’t help but feel like I’m forgetting to do something.
What usually happens is that I either have trouble falling asleep, I get to bed early but also wake up in the middle of the night, or I fall into a long nap immediately after getting home and that messes me up for the rest of the night. Early mornings and late nights don’t really help matters, though I’m trying to cut back on the latter.
I suppose none of this is really new to anyone who has been following this blog, but I’ve also been having my share of vivid and fucked-up dreams in the last little while. I’m not sure how much of it is SSRI-induced or if these are just manifestations of other issues I need to address, but more of these dreams have been sticking with me lately. The trouble with trying to write about your dreams is that they are so subjective and personal, and usually only the faintest details stick in your memory when you wake up. Even when I remember more than usual, I never feel like I can accurately convey whatever my brain conjures. Nevertheless, here are a few I remember having fairly recently:
I am about to board a bus when a group of kids attack me with a knife. I bleed but I’m not actually injured too badly; I’m more angry about the little shits doing this to me and trying to make sure they get punished (either out of vengeance or a desire to contain the danger).
I see a cute woman I either know or recognize somewhere after a long period out of contact and have a brief chat with her, but our paths diverge quickly. I randomly learn that she died shortly afterward.
A friend from university who I haven’t spoken to in a while’s Facebook profile has been turned into a memorial, and it turns out they died by suicide. (This friend is still alive, in case you’re wondering).
I’m in a large supermarket; it reminds me of a cross between my local Sobeys and the Real Canadian Superstore layouts from about 20 years ago. Most of the dream is mainly trying to find things and figure out what I can afford, but I distinctly remember flying or floating above the produce and bread displays.
There is a lengthy complex of malls and stores; at the far end I think there is a bookstore, but a lot of the passageway is underground through various buildings, a department store, some sort of conveyor belt. I think I’m trying to make sure I don’t overspend in the department store, and I’m trying to get a hold of my younger sister. An annoying acquaintance from years ago accosts me and I tell him off. I also remember at one point getting out of the complex and having to board a bus, and it turns out it’s on the outskirts of a city I used to live in.
I’m taking a different path through a similar complex; it’s considerably more labyrinthine, with a lot of hidden exits, bends in the paths, and misleading hallways.
I’m exhausted and trying to get some rest in a tiny hotel room before it gets light again, but some pets from my past have escaped and I’m going through a similar complex to what I described in the other dream to try to catch them (there is also a break in the buildings for a grocery store). I trespass into what I think is an exclusive resort with a swimming pool and a wall of quickly ripening fruit in the hallway. I think I also have dirty laundry to worry about. Eventually, the pathway leads right into my living room.
My friend and I are watching a movie that’s supposed to be set in Cape Breton, but it’s obviously shot in Moncton. She descends into a space on a lower floor by a stairwell that for some reason is very much smaller than I am.
For some reason I’m doing work for my old job on a stage, but I’m not going fast enough, and even the simplest task takes me multiple attempts because my fingers aren’t hitting the right keys.
I’m trying to avoid a specific person (I will not specify who they are or how I know them). I get into a rented van that seems to be going on a field trip somewhere (despite being full of adults); I recognize a few of the passengers and realized I’m in the wrong group, and get off on Bayers Road. I get into a similar van; I can’t recall if Avoidy Avoiderson is on it, but it turns out an old crush (albeit with much shorter hair than I remember them having; more like a shaggy pixie) is on it. I also recall my sister and I teleporting from floor to floor, though it was more like an airblower or something from Sonic The Hedgehog.
I enter a Zellers (defunct Canadian discount retail chain) which is excessively large and blindingly white inside.
Recurring motifs: breaking into a space where I’m not supposed to be and trying to get out before I’m detected, being kept waiting or keeping someone waiting, trouble accessing spaces, inability to climb stairs, having a shit tonne of course work or major assignments overdue but not having attended a course.
Again, these descriptions don’t really do justice to the worlds and situations my brain decides to cook up for me when I’m supposed to be resting up for the next day, but there you go. I wish more details and dreams were coming through right now, but these are all my memory is giving me at the moment. I would be interested in finding out what you make of these dreams; not that I believe that they have some sort of mystical meaning, but I get the feeling that they’re the manifestation of real insecurities and concerns in my life.
As you can guess, this period of attempted hibernation means I haven’t been reaching out to people in a while, though at least I did get myself together enough to plan another one of my periodic “force myself out of the apartment and invite people” nights for this Friday (last one was in November). I think the impetus this time was a response to an offhand comment I made about my Instagram feed being boring, so if you show up and you have fun, thank Alana for that.
I like being able to see people and like seeing people I know meet each other, but I’ve felt my world contract in some ways over the last few years (depression will do that), and I feel ill-at-ease with people unless I know them well. I’ve said before I need to do more low-key meetups with people this year, but when contact dries up (either on my side or theirs), I just think they’re busy living their lives and unless they expressly reach out, I don’t really want to trouble them for my own amusement, especially if I don’t know what to say in a text, much less a face-to-face conversation.