Hey all, it’s been a little while since I’ve posted a personal entry, but there really hasn’t been much to report since the beginning of the year. Most of my focus has been on work, sleep, spending time with the cat and writing SNL reviews, and that leaves precious little time for much else. That said, I know there are a few people who are curious as to what I’ve been up to these days, and I don’t want to write the same e-mail multiple times, so here’s as good a place to write it.
I don’t know whether January just played its tricks or if it’s a sign my body’s in decline, but I’ve just been too tired to really do a whole lot outside the apartment. Once I get out of work, I have very little desire to brave the ice and snow or think about waiting for buses or spending the money on cab fare if I don’t have to. I definitely spent way too much on ordering in food this month, all just because I didn’t want to make the effort to get ingredients, or wanted a bottle of pop but didn’t want to trek to Sobeys or Walmart. At the same time, it feels wasteful and inconvenient just to spend money on drinks if not making plans to do so with other people, and even that is a matter of catching me at the right time or when I’m not completely exhausted. There’s enough to occupy me at home: plenty of books I haven’t read yet, DVDs or things to stream that I haven’t watched, and music I’m long overdue to revisit, so I may as well take full advantage of this period of cocooning.
My exhaustion can also be explained as a side effect of the medication I’m currently taking; same with weight gain and a decreased libido. If these are the price I pay not to feel like a ghost, so be it. I may not have the energy to do everything I used to do, but I’m in a space where I’m actually capable of appreciating what I can instead of just blotting everything out or trying to obscure whatever void I felt inside myself. I still need and want companionship and sexy times, but I have to bring myself out of my own head for either. I’m not sure if I ever learned how to do that.
I’m still trying to limit my time on Facebook; it’s coming more easily these days. I don’t think I could give it up completely but I usually just limit myself to clearing notifications and seeing if there’s anything interesting in the first few posts on my feed. It’s done wonders for my mental health; there are other ways to keep informed about the state of the world and I don’t like how my self-esteem is at the mercy of the latest algorithm changes (The Bloggess knows what’s up). While it is nice to know that people are upset about the same things I am, I can only handle so many news posts about malicious politicians before my head begins to hurt with anger. Besides, I feel a lot of the time that I’m just seeking attention and failing to get it.
Most of my day-to-day is now shared on Instagram; I decided to do a #365daychallenge after seeing someone else I follow was starting one of their own. It’s an interesting project and I like how it makes me focus on the smaller moments and whatever I’m presently thinking about, though I’m always worried I’m just repeating myself. I’m still trying to gauge how much of myself to reveal in each post, in terms of my body, my living space, and my vulnerabilities. I’m open about being queer, depressed and anxious, but I’m apprehensive about showing too much skin, how bad the mess in my apartment really is, or generally getting too far into the TMI zone for what are supposed to be public bite-sized morsels of my existence.
Since I have that outlet for the more mundane facets of my life, I don’t know when the next personal blog post will come. Maybe this is just where I store my Big Ideas or Lessons Learned. I may need to have more stories to tell, or it could just be that I need to learn how to tell this one better.