Life is tiring, part LXXXVIII

My energy has been off for the past little while, and most of my free time usually involves me sleeping or wanting to be back home to sleep. I don’t know whether this is a side effect of my medication, some other underlying medical reason, or just another depressive spell. Oddly enough, the time I have the most difficulty sleeping is when I actually want to be asleep, so as you can imagine there are quite a few days where I feel particularly foggy and non-social. There was also a long stretch of cold, miserable and wet weather that made it harder to get out of bed some days, and had me dreading even the short walks to and from the bus stops. A lot of the time I don't want to do anything enough to endure the slightest bits of effort they take.

I haven’t been out socially since the HopYard get-together at the beginning of March, though my friend and I went out record shopping a few weeks ago and we’re going to have a vinyl listening party next weekend. (I also haven’t drank any alcohol since the HopYard outing, though it’s more of a “not in the mood” thing than a conscious abstention).  I don’t do much on the spur of the moment anymore, and need to consciously plan trips for groceries or doing other tasks because I often don’t feel like leaving the apartment once I’m home from work. I’m also less likely to do so if something else drains me beforehand, like a crowded bus ride or a busy day at work. I also usually end up taking a nap that extends into REM sleep, and by the time I wake up, it’s too late to do much of anything that evening. It’s very frustrating.

The fog comes in waves, and it’s hard to predict from day to day just how much sociability, motivation and executive function I will have. I can think of a few things I would be interested in doing after work or on the weekend, but will I actually want to do anything when I have the time to myself, or will I just wish I were at home with my TV and cat, and too impatient to even endure navigating the transit schedule just for the privilege of eating specific food or having a drink? Is it worth spending the money if I don’t also try to meet up with someone I’m long overdue to hang out with?

I have some blank e-mail drafts I’ve started to people I keep meaning to reach out to, but really can’t think of anything I want to say to them anymore.

Sometimes other things scramble my circuits. I passed by someone I knew last week, a person who I genuinely like but who also triggers very complicated feelings. We smiled and greeted each other, but almost immediately I kept dissecting that brief seconds-long interaction in my head. There’s something about running into this person in the real world that discombobulates me more than I expect, like the version of her that’s in my memory is just a faint shadow that can’t accurately replicate the emotional experience of actually seeing the lines, shadows and colors of her face or hearing the sound of her voice. By the end of the next day, I just felt exhausted from this new round of overthinking and found myself needing to lay down and sleep. It’s for this reason I generally try to minimize real-world run-ins with her.

Am I crazy for feeling this way? Sometimes I don’t even think I’m actually entitled to these emotions. Maybe it’s a sign I’ve been neglecting specific wants and needs for too long, but I don’t feel like I’m at a place mentally where I can begin to address these things, and to be honest, it’s not really a priority right now. Maybe I’m just scared of doing the work. The prospect of navigating a sea of candidates for a good mixture of attraction, comfort and compatibility is too tiring to think about (it's even harder thank you think when you're bisexual), and while I'm not opposed to having a fling with someone, I don't think I can actually go through with it.

The upside of my fatigue? I'm too tired to be lonely.