The end of another year

 The end of another year

I decided against going out for New Years Eve tonight. Chalk it up to exhaustion and cheapness; I just don’t feel like making the effort to go down to the peninsula or spend a lot of money on drinks tonight, even though tomorrow gives me ample time to recover. I spent most of last week at my parents’ place in Miramichi, and figured I may as well take advantage of this long block of alone time before the routine starts up in the new year.

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Darker days

Lately I’ve been less willing to be outside the apartment longer than absolutely necessary. A good part of it is a decreasing tolerance for the small but regular frustrations of bus travel in the city, but I wonder if the colder weather and darker days are getting to me. I wonder how much of it is my usual depression and how much of it is the general melancholy of the season.

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I don't know if it's too soon for another life update; to be honest, I haven't been doing a whole lot since my birthday gathering and starting my new job at the beginning of April. If you don't really go on too many adventures or you stay inside your own head too much, it doesn't really make for interesting blog posts.

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Going to NYC again

I didn't mention this in the last entry because I didn't think it really fit the whole topic, but I'm going to New York again at the end of June. It's another weekend trip for Pride with my sisters (just like the last time I went), but I'm going to try to squeeze a bit more exploring into the time I'm there.

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It's only been a week and a half since my last post here but it feels like longer; as expected, I'm still adjusting to the new job. It's not so much the work itself as the small things: the disruption to my routine, learning policy and procedures, and getting used to new people. The last one is usually the most exhausting part.

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The Draft Folder

I've been trying to write something here for the last few weeks; the beginning of a post languished in my drafts folder for the last three weeks or so while I tried to come up with a topic that I felt enough about to write something worth reading. I don't feel like I have anything to add to the various conversations that have been dominating the news cycle over the last month, and I'm pretty sure I've already given my take on Facebook, either in my own words or implicitly by sharing someone else's. I have a similar fight happening with my e-mail draft folder. I've been able to pare it down somewhat, but for a long time, I was struggling to fill attempts at letters to over ten different people. 

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30 in 30: Day 9

I got my HST rebate yesterday. After paying a bill I decided my big "splurge" would be to order something in, although now I've got that morning-after regret where I didn't use the money to do something a little more fun and social. Coffee. A beer at the Company House, Charlie's or Lion & Bright. For some reason I always prefer to drink in the North End...maybe it's because it's the closest thing in the city that replicates the spaces of my university days in Sackville, NB over a decade ago. 

I have Van Morrison's Veedon Fleece album playing right now; it's been a long time since I've put that one on. The way the sun is coming in through the dirty windows and curtains creates an interesting effect when combines with the song that's currently playing ("You Don't Pull No Punches But You Don't Push The River").

The city beckons, but I have to do laundry yet again. That's always the way. I had my fun already on Friday night. I'm thinking of going out to Nocturne, but maybe I need to budget my money and sociability to the point where I'm going out for coffee with the people I need to catch up with more often, rather than waiting until I can put a big enough gamble on whether the vibe is right, I'm outside of my own head enough, and my wallet can absorb the cost. 

30 in 30: Day 2

I didn't do too much yesterday. I think my mind was focused on getting this "30 in 30" project off the ground and trying to get some photos edited while the cat was asleep, but it just feels like the details of a whole block of time just faded away. It tends to happen whenever I don't make plans with anyone or go out, or even if I can't decide what I want to watch (the perils of having such a ridiculously large DVD collection), but periods of inaction make the weekends seem quicker to slip through my fingers more than if I were to keep my social calendar full. I could be resting, but my mind's always on all these things I should be doing to fill the time.

Today was busier; I spent the afternoon visiting a friend I hadn't seen in a while. We had coffee at his place before going with his partner and their two dogs to the trails at York Redoubt. I don't think I had seen them in almost a year, despite living in the same city. I had another friend over at my place on Wednesday, and we hadn't been able to spend time together in almost six months. It's mostly my fault: I'm terrible at making plans with people, and usually assume that they have better things to do, especially now that a lot of my friends are Responsible Adults (some with children). Making plans is difficult in the best of circumstances, but even moreso whenever I'm exhausted from work or otherwise feel my sociability is compromised in any way. Whenever money was thin, I would use that as my main excuse for not going out more. I usually overcompensate for this whenever I have money or the sudden realization to reach out to other people, then tire myself out from being over-social, and the pattern repeats.

I got a letter from a friend on Friday; an actual letter delivered by our gutted postal service (home delivery has been scaled back in favour of "community mailboxes", but my apartment building still gets mail delivered). There are things you can really only say in letters that don't really work over social media or even in e-mail. The act of letter-writing feels more deliberate than sending an e-mail, even though I agonize over drafts of the latter just the same. I love getting mail either way, though, so this was a nice boost; I just need to find the time and space to work on my reply.

What do I want to achieve with this 30 in 30? On one hand I need the discipline to write regularly, but I also hope this actually leads to new and renewed connections and meaningful conversations with other people. Otherwise this is just the equivalent of thinking out loud.