Life is tiring, part LXXXVIII

Life is tiring, part LXXXVIII

My energy has been off for the past little while, and most of my free time usually involves me sleeping or wanting to be back home to sleep. I don’t know whether this is a side effect of my medication, some other underlying medical reason, or just another depressive spell. A lot of the time I don't want to do anything enough to endure the slightest bits of effort they take.

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The periodic check-in

The periodic check-in

Hey all, it’s been a little while since I’ve posted a personal entry, but there really hasn’t been much to report since the beginning of the year. Most of my focus has been on work, sleep, spending time with the cat and writing SNL reviews, and that leaves precious little time for much else. That said, I know there are a few people who are curious as to what I’ve been up to these days, and I don’t want to write the same e-mail multiple times, so here’s as good a place to write it.

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Still under the weather

Still under the weather

I was exhausted pretty much all day yesterday, to the point where right after I got home, I slept for about three hours. Even after waking up to call my dad for his birthday and make dinner, I was still tired enough after midnight to pass out in my bed with all the lights in my apartment still on.

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I'm not used to this much stability

I'm not used to this much stability

This entry is a day late, unless you count that essay on the other blog, in which case, this entry is right on time, but almost late anyway. I’m pretty exhausted tonight; I would blame grocery shopping after work and lugging over ten bags up two flights of stairs, but I didn’t sleep well the night before either (and had some strange dreams). I have thoughts I wanted to post here tonight, but I’m too tired to dive into them right now.

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I took a break from social media, and all I got was a backache

I took a break from social media, and all I got was a backache

My job gives me a day off every third Friday, and last week was my three-day weekend. I didn’t have any specific plans (I rarely do), but by the time I hit Thursday, I had no interest in doing anything besides staying in, locking down, cuddling my cat and watching TV.

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Windows

I don't know if it's too soon for another life update; to be honest, I haven't been doing a whole lot since my birthday gathering and starting my new job at the beginning of April. If you don't really go on too many adventures or you stay inside your own head too much, it doesn't really make for interesting blog posts.

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Scatterbrain

It's only been a week and a half since my last post here but it feels like longer; as expected, I'm still adjusting to the new job. It's not so much the work itself as the small things: the disruption to my routine, learning policy and procedures, and getting used to new people. The last one is usually the most exhausting part.

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31 in 31: Day 6

I've been up way too late all week. I've been napping more after work, and then trying to reclaim some of the lost productivity afterward; it's a bit of a backslide from being able to get to bed at around 11 pm for the last few weeks. I have to wake up at 6 in the morning to catch an early bus that I don't really need to take, and by the end of the day I'm usually in this fog of exhaustion.

I had a little more money than usual this week and have been spending too much on eating out. It may be a byproduct of my exhaustion, or I'm sick of what I can cook on my otherwise limited budget and culinary skills. I sometimes stop off at the liquor store to buy a single beer or cider; if I'm going to just have one, I don't really want to spend the money at a bar unless I'm there with another person. Of course, I end up not making plans with people because I don't think I can afford to, likely because I spent the money on the food and beer already. The cycle continues.

I've been having hypothetical conversations in my head. I catch myself making the gestures that go along with these conversations and wonder if some of the words are spilling out of my mouth.

31 in 31: Day 4

Today started with a headache; I can't remember if I was on my usual vibrating bus on my commute, but I felt exhausted and gross pretty much all day. I wasn't really up to making small talk or anything like that (even less so than usual), and to be honest I kind of tried to move around undetected by acquaintances whenever I could (which is not really an option on one of the two floors I work on). Even the post work nap didn't have me feeling 100% tonight, though I managed to make it to vote in the municipal election online and watch the vice-presidential debate.

I downloaded Tinder, but I don't swipe right on anybody. I rarely swipe at all. It's mainly a curiosity thing at this point; dating's not really on the table until the other fronts stabilize. We'll see where this goes. 

My cat has taken to hopping onto the bookcase shelves whenever I sit at the laptop and don't pay enough attention to her. She does something similar whenever I'm asleep and she wants something from me. It's either that or she starts tearing apart anything on paper. Magazines, notebooks, flyers, that kind of stuff. I have to take precautions to make sure she doesn't wreck letters from friends or important documents. She's a little needy.

31 in 31: Day 1

Last year, I did an exercise where I forced myself to write a blog post every day for 30 days. There were days when I struggled to come up with content, but on the whole I was glad to have done it. I don't know what egged me on this time, but I figured I might as well force myself to post once a day for every day this month. Last year's run was "30 in 30"; since October has 31 days, this is going to be "31 in 31".

I didn't like September. August was exhausting, but I could at least blame the new job, and I managed to get a few photo shoots and social outings in during that month. September was considerably tighter, both in terms of finances and sociability. I was stuck in my head, couldn't really focus, and felt myself growing more distant from a lot of people over the last few weeks. Friends. Co-workers. I had the overwhelming feeling that I was working to prolong a status quo that stopped working for me two years ago instead of building the kind of life I wanted.

This feeling started almost as soon as the month began. I think I sensed it the day I reached out to my friend Laura and ended up going to her place for dinner, beer and a movie. We discussed the need for risk and willingness to let one's self get hurt in order to find happiness, but my margins are too thin for that right now. When I went to a housewarming on Labour Day, my thoughts distracted me too much to give myself over to the spirit of the party. I had patio beer, went to a food truck rally, and saw George Elliott Clarke speak at the Word On The Street festival, but I was preoccupied with career frustrations and overthinking the connection I felt with someone a while back. This drained me.

I had won tickets to the Atlantic Film Festival closing night party, but almost immediately after winning them, I had second thoughts about going; combined with a lack of money for drinks and the 40-minute bus rides each way, it became less appealing the more I thought about it. Whatever half-assed attempt I made at finding a taker for the extra ticket was more along the lines of "someone needs to drag me out of my apartment" than genuine interest in going. In retrospect I probably should have refused them, but I picked them up just in case I were to change my mind. I eventually tried to find takers for both tickets, but eventually just tore them up and threw them in the garbage. If I had gone to some of the screenings, had something decent to wear, and didn't have to take practical matters into consideration, it may have been fun, but I just had the feeling I would have felt awkward and out-of-place all night.

If September's theme was my thoughts crowding things, activities and people out of my life, I hope October's involves making space for them again.