Some scattered thoughts
/It’s my Wednesday to post again; there are a few more cohesive posts I would like to make later on, but for now, here’s what’s going on in my life.
I had wanted a slightly more up to date picture on my bio page for a little while. I liked the shot Laura took of me, but it was taken six years ago, and it doesn’t really reflect my current self. When local photographer Invidia Obscura contacted me about coming over to their place for a shoot, I jumped at the chance. I love what they’ve done with their other subjects, and told them to do whatever they felt like doing, including my makeup; when I first looked in the mirror after they finished, I just felt like I was seeing a part of myself that had been locked away until then. This was such an affirming opportunity, and the feedback I’ve received on these pictures has been overwhelmingly positive.
I’m thinking a lot about what I want for the next little while. Even though I’m a few years away from 40, it’s been hitting me lately that this is my own life to live. For the longest time, I never really felt that; I always felt like my identity was defined by playing along with others’ idea of who I should be, and my decisions were based on what I felt was "correct” in their eyes. Whatever was sensible. Safe.
I’m thinking about who I am in relation to other people. As I strip away more of the self I created in order to get through life as unscathed as possible, I realize patterns in where and with whom I feel comfortable. But that’s something for another blog post.
Despite the high from doing the shoot, I found the last week or so to be particularly exhausting. Again, I know of things that will help (walks during lunch hour, connecting with people), but I just couldn’t find the will to do much other than lay in bed and scroll social media whenever I got home from work. It’s also hard to wake up in the morning sometimes.
I still need to get better at making plans with people. I usually leave it to the other person to invite me; I’m too afraid of rejection or overstepping boundaries. I’m sure there are a few friends who are frustrated with my lack of texting or DMs. There are so many cool people in this city that I’m connected to on social media I would love to actually hang out with, but haven’t worked up the courage to ask.
I sometimes think I would love the luxury of disappearing for a few months at a time to focus on whatever projects I wanted to do, emerging only when I had something new to share with people. These thoughts tend to happen when I notice I’m spending too much time online and not doing other things I enjoy. I don’t think I could really do it, though; I’m afraid of worrying people.
Sorry for fishing again, but I could really use some e-mail or new blogs to read. I still prefer e-mail to DMs, particularly because there’s really not that real-time pressure element there. It also cheers me up a little when I get an alert for something in my inbox that isn’t just a subscription or library notification. If you’re so inclined, you can either click this link or fill out the form below; I would really appreciate it.
