Damn it

I understandably have very complicated feelings about religion.

I’m the child of a former Presbyterian minister, and grew up Christian; while the religion encompasses many varying theologies and faith traditions, my childhood also made me very familiar with the white evangelical Protestantism that has metastasized into this fascistic Christian Nationalism that we see in the States. Even though my parents are comparatively more progressive on a lot of social issues (especially now), the culture war bullshit was never far away: rock music and MuchMusic were “evil”, and my younger sister remembers not being allowed to watch The Little Mermaid because it had a witch in it. There were Dr. James Dobson books on the shelf like Dare to Discipline and The Strong-Willed Child (though I never liked him much even then).

I bought into a lot of it; it’s easy to when you memorize Bible verses and learn the songs as a young child, long before you have much reference for the deeper theological implications or the history of the Church. Some of these songs still stick in my head years later, especially when they have such lyrical redundancies as “God is a good God”. I have to admit I can’t listen to a lot of Christian music now, though, and there are more than a few songs where the ideas in the lyrics horrify me; words about not being your own and being bought for a price, not to mention all the casual references to blood.

Even from childhood I noticed how much better the culture and music that came from the secular world was; the parallel culture that the evangelical Christian world made so they wouldn’t have to engage in the worldly often felt like a pale substitute. It was like if different visual artists had only a pre-approved list of subjects to render with pre-specified colours and materials. There would still be diversity based on the skill level and viewpoint of the artist, but you wouldn’t really know exactly what you’re missing until you encounter something that didn’t fit those limited parameters. I also thought the Christian Archie comics weren’t as good as the regular ones, although that was also because I really don’t like Al Hartley’s drawing style, which always struck me as too loud.

Yet for the most part, I still participated and still went to church up to university, where I attended the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship for about a year and a half. By that time I was becoming more uncomfortable with some aspects of Christian life; papering over some inconvenient facts, the view of everyone else as “deceived” or potential bad influences (with its implicit or explicit racism), even down to some of the language used (“Christianese”). Even before I accepted my own queerness I felt that I had to hide parts of myself and what I enjoyed, lest I come across as too “worldly” and set myself up for chastisement. The worship part of the weekly meetings always felt like a forced group performance, an obligation I endured in order to access the social aspects and the more interesting discussions.

I think what really changed things for me was when I learned more about Calvinism, partially due to a very conservative guy commenting on my school’s student paper’s message board. It shocked me how deliberately cruel it seemed; I don’t know if it precipitated my growing shift to the left politically, but the idea that God already pre-selected his “elect” ahead of time and essentially creates people specifically for damnation, just to prove how much more he loved his chosen people, was horrifying. At the same time, it also made a lot of logical sense, and made a lot of the milder Christianity come across as just wishful thinking. The more I’ve lived and learned, the more I’ve come to the conclusion that a lot of religion is just guessing at best.

There seems to be a complete sadism to this Christian Nationalist Right that’s emerged, as well as the Republican politicians that court their vote. Do they believe in a god that decrees some of his creations to live a life of misery before being tortured for eternity? That some people are born just for them to abuse and exploit? With the news about Roe v. Wade being overturned, and the specific details of the decision that provide a roadmap for states to roll back human rights for pretty much everyone who isn’t a white Christian male (of that particular sect), it really seems that way. The Right is going after trans kids and people who have abortions, and from the legislation being written and passed right now, they also want to punish anyone who helps, affirms, or at minimum doesn’t oppress them. They won’t stop with those groups either: they’re already going after LGBTQ people in general, and I can see it getting to the point where the State punishes people for fleeing domestic violence.

I’m sitting here wondering whose god they are trying to please. Is it the same one that inspired so many previous fights for justice, especially in Black communities? Or is their god merely their own power at the expense of others’ dignity? Does their heaven even have any Black people in it? Are the people who murdered millions in the Holocaust more likely to be there than any of their victims?

I’m tired of people using Christianity as a shorthand for moral superiority or goodness, even outside of the the religion itself. Having faith doesn’t necessarily make someone a better person or more trustworthy than others, nor does the inability to believe somehow make that person broken. I cant handwave the Christian Nationalist Right as not being real Christians, because I’m pretty sure they actually believe that Jesus was the son of God, rose from the dead, and will return one day. I don’t doubt their faith is sincere, and that’s what makes it scary.

This group considers it a holy war, and they can get away with lying, cheating, murder and torture because they’re doing it for the Kingdom of God. Freedom of religion to them means the freedom to exterminate every other religion, and force the world to conform to whatever. Whenever they consolidate power and explicitly make America a Christian nation, the definition of “Christian” will inevitably narrow. The lip-service to Israel and Judaism that comes out of their mouths will probably stop as well; said lip-service always struck me as disingenuous, as if they weren’t trying to speed up Armageddon (Don’t get me started on Messianic Judaism, which is fundamentalist Christianity with a side of cultural appropriation).

I would love to see some light around the corner regarding democracy’s future and the fight against fascism, but right now all I feel is anger, fear and exhaustion. A small group of people, many of whom having blatantly lied during their confirmation hearings, has imposed its will on the United States, and effectively took rights away from half of its population. This same group of people made several other ruinous decisions this week alone. The individual states are just going to be emboldened to come up with new, cruel laws, and I fear that the loss of freedom is going to be even worse than we can imagine.

It’s not going to stop at the U.S. border either.

The court that has just fucked over a lot of people.