Radio silence and watched pots

Radio silence and watched pots

I took a short break from social media last weekend; I’m not sure what specifically triggered it, but when I made a deliberate choice not to check in on my feeds, it felt good. I decided to take another hiatus from starting after work today and lasting until the morning of the 23rd. I haven’t felt like I had enough focus, motivation or energy lately (and definitely wasn’t using it to be social), so I hope this will help with that and let me find my voice again.

I’m leaving Facebook Messenger on my phone because family members use that to check in, but I also appreciate e-mails (bjdwsm@gmail.com) or text messages (not posting my number here, sorry).

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A substitute for a letter or an e-mail

I used to write longer e-mails to people; I still do this for a handful of people, but I’m finding it harder to come up with the words in private correspondence, especially when so much is already said elsewhere online with just a double-tap or an emoji. These days I’ve been finding it easier to sort my emotions and think through experiences on here than to hash them out in private.

Even though this is in a public space, I hope you feel like that by reading this you’re connecting with me on some personal level. My favorite writing online always has this sense of intimacy to it and a sense that it’s one person trying to connect with each of their readers as individuals.

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Depressive episodes, self-care, aging, and other fun things

Depressive episodes, self-care, aging, and other fun things

I had a depressive episode last week. I’m doing better now, but it brought back memories of two years ago when this state was more common. I’m not sure what (if anything) triggered it; I’m just going about my business and then all of a sudden I’m in a mood where I’m dreading and consciously minimizing interactions with others. I just hid in my cubicle on Friday, trying to endure the day, and as soon as I got out of work I was in a hurry to get off the Halifax peninsula. I knew I was in no mood to cook, so I stopped off at Mary Brown’s for dinner, and then once I got home I just stayed in bed for most of the weekend.

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Something to look forward to

Something to look forward to

I was going to write another entry about how winter’s been wearing me down (particularly the physical aspect of traipsing over insufficiently cleared sidewalks), but I already explored that subject in the last few posts and it’s already March, so I’m just going to give another short update on what I’ve been up to, what I’ve been thinking about, and what’s on the horizon.

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Sleep or something like it

Sleep or something like it

Not much exciting going on these days; winter still has me mainly seeking warm apartments and minimizing time outside. The last few days brought a snow storm and freezing rain that turned my apartment building’s driveway into an impassable frozen hazard for a few hours, and this morning brought bitterly cold wind. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been so tired in the last little while.

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The periodic check-in

The periodic check-in

Hey all, it’s been a little while since I’ve posted a personal entry, but there really hasn’t been much to report since the beginning of the year. Most of my focus has been on work, sleep, spending time with the cat and writing SNL reviews, and that leaves precious little time for much else. That said, I know there are a few people who are curious as to what I’ve been up to these days, and I don’t want to write the same e-mail multiple times, so here’s as good a place to write it.

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The end of another year

 The end of another year

I decided against going out for New Years Eve tonight. Chalk it up to exhaustion and cheapness; I just don’t feel like making the effort to go down to the peninsula or spend a lot of money on drinks tonight, even though tomorrow gives me ample time to recover. I spent most of last week at my parents’ place in Miramichi, and figured I may as well take advantage of this long block of alone time before the routine starts up in the new year.

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How am I? Who am I?

How am I? Who am I?

I didn’t sleep well on Sunday night. It’s easy for me to sleep the weekend away, but as soon as I have to prepare my body to go to bed and wake up at specific times of the day, my mind starts filling with fragments of songs, random questions that don’t need answering, and hypothetical conversations I could possibly have. When my brain starts making this much noise, I always have trouble ignoring it.

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In my hidey hole

In my hidey hole

I’m currently in one of my moods where I feel the need to take a break from people whenever I can. I’m not sure if this is the depression flaring up again, but my energy’s been lower than usual and I’ve been minimizing the amount of time I spend in public outside of work.

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Productivity and powerlessness

Productivity and powerlessness

I haven’t bothered writing since last Monday; it was a fairly hectic week at work, and I found myself falling asleep for hours as soon as I got home. Whenever I came to and tried to work on something, the cat would decide that she would lie down on my computer keyboard, and by the time she stopped playing that game with me, it would be time to go to bed anyway. Autumn’s adorable and I love her, but she really knows how to push my buttons. I guess that’s the thing about cats.

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Still under the weather

Still under the weather

I was exhausted pretty much all day yesterday, to the point where right after I got home, I slept for about three hours. Even after waking up to call my dad for his birthday and make dinner, I was still tired enough after midnight to pass out in my bed with all the lights in my apartment still on.

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Real talk

Real talk

My brain’s been feeling off again this week. I’m not sure if the trigger is external or internal, but some familiar feelings started to creep back in last night: one minute I’m eating stew I made in the slow cooker, the next I feel emotional heaviness I haven’t felt in a long time.

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Missed a few days (sorry)

Missed a few days (sorry)

I didn’t post anything the last few days because I felt under the weather for most of the weekend; nothing major, but I had a bad headache and didn’t have much energy. I was thinking of originally backdating posts to make it look like I was posting every day, but I decided against it.

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Let's see where this leads

Let's see where this leads

It’s an unusually quiet day today. To stop myself from nodding off while I wait for e-mails or phone calls, I decided I needed to open a new entry and type whatever comes into my head without overthinking everything as I usually do. Maybe this is the key toward expression, or maybe this is foolishness, but I’m going to ride it out and head wherever the muse takes me.

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I'm not used to this much stability

I'm not used to this much stability

This entry is a day late, unless you count that essay on the other blog, in which case, this entry is right on time, but almost late anyway. I’m pretty exhausted tonight; I would blame grocery shopping after work and lugging over ten bags up two flights of stairs, but I didn’t sleep well the night before either (and had some strange dreams). I have thoughts I wanted to post here tonight, but I’m too tired to dive into them right now.

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Darker days

Lately I’ve been less willing to be outside the apartment longer than absolutely necessary. A good part of it is a decreasing tolerance for the small but regular frustrations of bus travel in the city, but I wonder if the colder weather and darker days are getting to me. I wonder how much of it is my usual depression and how much of it is the general melancholy of the season.

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