30 in 30: Day 18

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I use the "like" button on various social media sites as a half-assed way to connect with other people. I've call this the "passive like", where you want to acknowledge the post or just say hello, but you just don't have the energy or words to type a comment or response. Likes are empty calories. I need to stop this pattern, or at least hit like more judiciously and try to comment instead. Elan Morgan (aka Schmutzie) wrote a great article a while back about how she decided to stop reflexively hitting the "like" button on Facebook. I may have tried to do that a while back, only to regress back to the instinctual clicking of the button. Do I really think I'm actually interacting with people this way? It's like going to the convenience store for a chocolate bar, bag of chips and can of pop instead of taking the time to put together a more filling meal.

I worry that I can't really think of anything to say to people anymore. I supposed that's another danger of sharing thoughts and feelings on so many different outlets. Everything has to be so watered down and generalized. I keep meaning to write people letters, but what's my motivation in doing this: the act of sharing pent-up thoughts and emotions, or the hope of a response? 

I have to ask myself what my aspirations and motivations are for my writing and photography. Am I trying to say anything, or am I more driven by the idea of gaining access to certain circles and communities? On some level, am I merely seeking validation for whatever I put out at the expense of authentic self-expression? I'm sometimes afraid everything I put out is just quick crayon drawings of different things I see and like.

30 in 30: Day 17

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Another travelling day. I always forget about how much being in transit takes out of me, despite the fact that I'm not the one driving. The bus ride from Moncton was actually a little shorter than expected because it was a limited-stop express coach, meaning I got into the city about an hour earlier than scheduled. I was hoping to get home early enough to vote in the advance poll today, but between my exhaustion and a long trip from downtown to home, I decided I wasn't going to leave the apartment again tonight.

I may not have been as social as I wanted to be on the weekend, but I'm glad I was able to spend some time with the pets, particularly Natalie, the 18-year-old torby. She still has her feisty moments, but she's much more frail than she was the last time I came home: she spent most of her time resting in the kitchen. The other four cats and the older dog all seemed to be happy I was there and particularly affectionate. The 7-month old puppy took a little while to warm up to me.

Been thinking more about the conceptual portrait photography project again (mentioned on Day 4). I want to do something focused on the face and eyes, but I'm also fascinated by the idea of tracking changes through repetition and how multiple shots of the same thing taken over a period of time can tell a story. I'm still having a little bit of trouble trying to come up with a specific enough statement I want to make; if anyone can lead me in the right direction, let me know. I'm also looking for volunteer subjects once I have something figured out for the concept.

30 in 30: Day 16

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The SRC is running a French-dub version of Harold and Maude right now and it makes me want to break out my DVD when I get back to Halifax. I have so many movies I bought when I had more income to dispose but haven't watched for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I didn't want to block off the whole chunk of time it took to consume the movie, or I wasn't otherwise in the mood.

Long day today. Thanksgiving Dinner was good, but I'm glad to return to my own space and routine tomorrow evening. I don't feel like I can access my thoughts unless I have enough space and time alone, and both are difficult to come by here. It's only going to be worse at Christmas. There are enough cute animals here to distract me, though.

30 in 30: Day 15

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I'm at my parents' place for the long weekend, so since I don't have access to my own computer until I get back into Halifax on Monday, I'm not writing these until late at night when I have a moment to myself and a free computer.

I didn't really do anything today; I slept late with a cat curled up on my legs, watched some Bob's Burgers and BoJack Horseman with my sister, and tuned into the new episode of SNL with Amy Schumer: I thought it was considerably weaker than the premiere, especially that last 10-to-1 sketch screamed Anderlette to me. That's the thing with SNL...sometimes the booking everyone's excited for ends up being a huge disappointment (Looking at you, Robert DeNiro).

I get stir-crazy whenever I'm in Miramichi, but I can't really bring myself to leave the house when I'm up here, especially without firm plans. I feel like this is something I've said countless times before. Give me the anonymity of a larger city over a tight-knit small town any day.

30 in 30: Day 13

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Another late night submission. I'm going to try to make up for the last two days with this post; I supposed it was bound to happen that I would have a few "off" days where the energy or will to write wasn't there.  Then I have days like this one where the will's there but the time isn't: between my bus getting caught in traffic (which also made me regret trying to go straight home after work instead of dawdling at Scotia Square for dinner), a post-dinner nap, and some other things I needed to get done tonight, I didn't get around to writing this until well after midnight.

A few entries back, someone asked me what I thought of last weekend's SNL premiere with Miley Cyrus. I know this is subject matter more fitting for the other blog on the site, but I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. It was easily stronger than the last two years' premieres, and the overall vibe of the show reminded me of the 2011 season premiere with Alec Baldwin and Radiohead: not a flawless show, but the atmosphere was relaxed without coming across as too lazy. Taran Killam's Donald Trump was OK, although the writing for the cold opening came across as a little perfunctory; the Hillary Clinton cameo sketch I found to be executed much better. I was actually surprised by Miley's performances though: I knew she collaborated with the Flaming Lips on her new album and guessed they may appear with her tonight, but "Karen Don't Be Sad" actually sounds like a bit of a return to form for them as opposed to just being a pleasant-on-the ears Miley Cyrus song (The Lips kind of lost me after Embryonic). "Twinkle Song" was a little more polarizing, with the repetition of "I had a dream" and "What does it mean", the odd piano dressing, the screaming and the crying, but I thought as a whole it worked.

One of my favorite blogs is AJ Ripley's Trans Canada (My Way). They update weekly (with new posts every Wednesday): it's an unflinchingly honest account of their transition in the one province in Canada that doesn't fund transgender procedures, and it's amazingly written. They participated in a documentary for Vice Canada called On Hold: Investigating Transgender Health Access in Canada, and I urge you to all watch it. I lived in New Brunswick for 13 years; it can be a wonderful place, but it can also feel like a bizarre disconnected alternate universe.

But that's another post. 

30 in 30: Day 12

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I have a little bit of a headache tonight, so I'm just going to forgo writing for another night and just post a music video instead.

Watch the official music video for New Order - Bizarre Love Triangle [OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO] Get New Order music: iTunes: http://smarturl.it/NewOrderiTunes Amazon: http://smarturl.it/NewOrderAmazon Google Play: http://smarturl.it/NewOrderGP Official Website: http://www.neworderonline.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/NewOrderOfficial More New Order Videos: http://bit.ly/17Fzqyv Click Here to Subscribe: http://goo.gl/G21T8


30 in 30: Day 10

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I'll be honest; I'm feeling a little blocked tonight, so I'm just going to get all meta in this post. I've been thinking about the following: Do I keep using this space for first-person navel gazing, or should I try to attempt to break out of talking about myself in the coming 20 days? Should I work dashed-off pieces of fiction and abstraction into the mix? If I mention people I know, should I come up with decent aliases? (Let's just say I have a lot of friends with interesting names). 

You know how sometimes a specific piece of music takes you back to a specific time and place? I actually remember feeling that with a particular episode of Saturday Night Live a while back. It was a show that aired years before I started watching the show myself, but when I put on a VHS recording of a cable rerun of the Bruce Willis / Neil Young show (originally aired September 1989), it brought me back to Miramichi, NB, spring 2000, and everything I felt around that time seemed to be embedded into the experience of watching Neil Young do takes of "Rockin' In The Free World", "The Needle and the Damage Done", and "No More" that made the album counterparts seem a little too polished and clean. I remember that was a difficult winter and spring, but that particular year brought me to a lot of the people I've been fortunate to remain friends with for over 15 years. For someone who moved around quite a bit when growing up, it stuns me that these people have been a part of my life for almost half of it. 

I don't know if music (or other media) has the same power to root itself to specific memories in the last 10 years, though, which is the length of time I've been out of university. I also ended up buying too much music in that period of time before I move to Halifax three years ago, so that may have something to do with it. It still happens, though; the last year is going to be tied to these specific songs  (links below take you to Spotify, except for the last one):

Do any of these songs evoke anything for any of you? Is there a common thread, atmosphere or mood that holds this list together? I know this is a bit of a fish for comments, but I'm interested in hearing your thoughts.

Hell, I managed to work through this block after all.

30 in 30: Day 9

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I got my HST rebate yesterday. After paying a bill I decided my big "splurge" would be to order something in, although now I've got that morning-after regret where I didn't use the money to do something a little more fun and social. Coffee. A beer at the Company House, Charlie's or Lion & Bright. For some reason I always prefer to drink in the North End...maybe it's because it's the closest thing in the city that replicates the spaces of my university days in Sackville, NB over a decade ago. 

I have Van Morrison's Veedon Fleece album playing right now; it's been a long time since I've put that one on. The way the sun is coming in through the dirty windows and curtains creates an interesting effect when combines with the song that's currently playing ("You Don't Pull No Punches But You Don't Push The River").

The city beckons, but I have to do laundry yet again. That's always the way. I had my fun already on Friday night. I'm thinking of going out to Nocturne, but maybe I need to budget my money and sociability to the point where I'm going out for coffee with the people I need to catch up with more often, rather than waiting until I can put a big enough gamble on whether the vibe is right, I'm outside of my own head enough, and my wallet can absorb the cost. 

30 in 30: Day 8

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I read a few good graphic novels in the last little while: The Complete Essex County by Jeff Lemire and Photobooth: A Biography by Meags Fitzgerald. Both were very good and emotionally affecting in different ways. The middle story in Essex County, "Ghost Stories" was the one that stood out for me: it's the one about the two hockey player brothers in the 1950s. I found that one especially sad and haunting, particularly the whole thread of loss and regret that carries the whole narrative.

In a way, Photobooth also deals with loss. Fitzgerald's book serves as a history of the devices, a eulogy for the obsolete chemical booths, and an examination of her own relationship to her long-time hobby. The sense of having a connection with an object or experience that's gone was something I could especially relate to...I kept thinking of all the time I used to browse the racks of long-closed mall music stores, and how that's just something that won't ever happen again. There are the indie stores, but there was something specific about browsing a chain store in a mall with a well-stocked and diverse back catalogue selection that I miss. Yet it occurs to me that it's a weird thing to get wistful over.

The end of the book, where Fitzgerald reflects on what she's gained and lost from her fascination with the booths, also gave me pause, specifically about my own relationship with Saturday Night Live. My interest in the show and its history has connected me to a number of interesting people over the last 17 years (over half my life ago), but I couldn't help but relate when Fitzgerald mentioned her fear that her "glimmers of resentment" towards photobooths would grow for what she gave up to chase her passion. I sometimes ask myself what I'm hoping to get out of my interest in the show.

I've long had an interest in doing a collaborative narrative comic or graphic novel (I would write, someone else would take care of the art stuff). I don't know what it would be about, though.

 

30 in 30: Day 6

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Sorry this came in a little bit after midnight, but it's at least done before I go to bed, so it still counts, right? It's at least before midnight in Winnipeg.

I decided I would try to write something a little earlier during my breaks at work about my perceived lack of meaningful conversations, but the whole thing came off as a little too abstract for my liking. I didn't really feel what I was writing, and really only had the vaguest outline of the idea without exploring further whether this would be a good topic to write about. I'm also still in the process of figuring out how "naked" I'm going to allow myself to be in these blogging exercises. 

I had to go to the NSLC to buy some beer for tomorrow night, and that reminded me of a particular headache of living in this city: the public transit system. I live on the outskirts of both Clayton Park and Fairview, right near where a lot of new condos and McMansions have been built over the past five years. I'm fairly close to a bus stop, but the area itself isn't particularly walkable, nor is the bus service that frequent. The way the bus service works in my neighborhood is that there are two routes that run a block away from each other near my building, but hit the same terminals and follow (mostly) the same path once they get onto Joseph Howe Drive...however, the routes cut back to once an hour after 7pm or so, with each running a half hour apart from each other. It's also a long and convoluted route if you're taking the full trip from Clayton Park or Fairview to the North End or downtown...it can take about 45 minutes to get downtown from my place. While there are limited stop express routes that take a more direct path to and from the city core, those only run during rush hour. The bus service is one reason why I don't go out as much as I want to.

I suppose there are always things to talk about, but the question is whether it's the right time. I have to get to bed soon, so I don't think I'll say anything more tonight.

30 in 30: Day 5

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There's a rain blob approaching Halifax tonight, and I wore myself out with an extra trip to Sobeys for cat treats. I have a few ideas I want to write about in the next little while, but those probably need a bit more energy and focus than I have tonight. Ties into the other night's post about not getting enough sleep, I guess. I can hear the wind starting to gust outside. 

I was hoping to get back to work on my classic SNL review project tonight, but I can never get myself back into the headspace needed to write these things. Maybe tomorrow, but I have to clean.

It's already the end of September. I've had some conversations to the effect of "Summer got away from us, didn't it?" with a few people in the last little while.

 

30 in 30: Day 4

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I probably should be getting better sleep than I do. When a friend told me that she's usually asleep by 10pm, I thought to myself "God, that's early". I joke that I still haven't adjusted to Atlantic time, but I don't think that excuse works over 15 years after you move east from the prairies. Maybe it's because I don't think I've gotten enough done in the time after I get home from work, or maybe it's the classic "fear of missing out", but it's normal for me to stay in the living room "working" until midnight, and then spending the next hour trying to unwind.

Unfortunately, I have to wake up at about 6:30 to get ready for work the next day. Due to the nature of my day job I can get by with a daily cup of coffee, but on days when I feel especially out of it, interacting with other people is something I try to avoid unless absolutely necessary or feel enough at ease with them. I wonder how much social I would be if I went to bed at a decent hour.

I've been thinking about a conceptual photography project. I'm fascinated by images that mark the passage of time, especially changes (both gradual and sudden) to the appearance of either a person or a landscape. A drastic haircut, a new sign, the processes of aging, rebuilding, and renewal. I wonder how I could execute this.

 

30 in 30: Day 3

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I have a routine after I come home from work: check the Internet, take a nap (if necessary), cook supper. Occasionally the Internet and nap stretch on for longer than I intend and I don't end up starting dinner until after 8. I probably should look into preparing and freezing meals in advance because I always forget how much time it takes to actually get everything ready. The good thing about living alone is being able to cook the full recipe and freezing whatever I don't eat that night. Anyway, tonight was another extended nap that ended me waking up in a panic, thinking I overslept for work; whenever I nap too long, it throws me off for the rest of the night, and I get especially frustrated at the loss in productivity. I have way too much I want to get done this week.

I've been reading a lot more in the past year than I had in the previous few; a lot of the credit goes to Halifax's new central library: it's an amazing space that you just want to be in. A number of my friends also happen to be voracious readers, so there's also the social/peer pressure factor. I had been intending to read more for a while though; you know the whole thing about how the most important thing an aspiring writer can do is read? I really slacked on that assignment for a while. I blame my disposition toward trying to soak up the canon of television history. It's also something to keep me occupied during my daily bus commute to work that doesn't use up my phone's data plan, so that's that.

I remember trying to make a list of books I wanted to read before I was 35 that has since been lost to time (I think), but it still astounds me I hadn't read The Bell Jar until last November or Nineteen Eighty-Four until just this past month. Right now I'm tackling Heather O'Neill's Lullabies for Little Criminals, which so far is pretty good.

I need to wrap this up to get this posted before midnight, so if any of you can leave a book recommendation in the comments, that would be lovely.

30 in 30: Day 2

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I didn't do too much yesterday. I think my mind was focused on getting this "30 in 30" project off the ground and trying to get some photos edited while the cat was asleep, but it just feels like the details of a whole block of time just faded away. It tends to happen whenever I don't make plans with anyone or go out, or even if I can't decide what I want to watch (the perils of having such a ridiculously large DVD collection), but periods of inaction make the weekends seem quicker to slip through my fingers more than if I were to keep my social calendar full. I could be resting, but my mind's always on all these things I should be doing to fill the time.

Today was busier; I spent the afternoon visiting a friend I hadn't seen in a while. We had coffee at his place before going with his partner and their two dogs to the trails at York Redoubt. I don't think I had seen them in almost a year, despite living in the same city. I had another friend over at my place on Wednesday, and we hadn't been able to spend time together in almost six months. It's mostly my fault: I'm terrible at making plans with people, and usually assume that they have better things to do, especially now that a lot of my friends are Responsible Adults (some with children). Making plans is difficult in the best of circumstances, but even moreso whenever I'm exhausted from work or otherwise feel my sociability is compromised in any way. Whenever money was thin, I would use that as my main excuse for not going out more. I usually overcompensate for this whenever I have money or the sudden realization to reach out to other people, then tire myself out from being over-social, and the pattern repeats.

I got a letter from a friend on Friday; an actual letter delivered by our gutted postal service (home delivery has been scaled back in favour of "community mailboxes", but my apartment building still gets mail delivered). There are things you can really only say in letters that don't really work over social media or even in e-mail. The act of letter-writing feels more deliberate than sending an e-mail, even though I agonize over drafts of the latter just the same. I love getting mail either way, though, so this was a nice boost; I just need to find the time and space to work on my reply.

What do I want to achieve with this 30 in 30? On one hand I need the discipline to write regularly, but I also hope this actually leads to new and renewed connections and meaningful conversations with other people. Otherwise this is just the equivalent of thinking out loud.

30 in 30: Day 1

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I feel awful about not updating this thing more regularly, so I'm forcing myself to come up with a new post every day for the next month (thanks for the inspiration, Daisy).

I have a pile of photos to edit but I never get around to working on them; part of the issue is that I have a desktop computer, and time spent editing is time that I have to commit myself to staying in the apartment. I'm still working on my post about New York three months after the trip, but I've already touched on that in my last post. I don't want to repeat myself.  Maybe that will be one of my 30 in 30 posts, although part of me feels like that would be cheating since I've been working on the draft for ages.

Canada's currently in the middle of a federal election campaign; the big issue isn't so much who will be our next prime minister so much as whether enough people in the country want to get rid of Stephen Harper and the Conservatives on October 19. I definitely intend to vote, but I'm just as ready for the campaign to end. I can't really say I'm overly impressed by either of the three front-runners, but at this point I know what I believe in, and have a good idea where my vote will go in a little more than three weeks time. Four years ago, I was more inclined to get confrontational every time I saw something I didn't agree with politically online, but I now tend to keep my mouth shut. I don't know if this is more a sign of maturity or a growing cynicism. Maybe I'm just self-censoring.

Summer's over. I did manage to go to New York, I went to a few events here in Halifax, and I even went to the beach once, but a lot of it seemed to blend together. I still don't feel like I force myself to go out enough; part of it is because I live on the outskirts of Fairview and Clayton Park in Halifax: it's not a particularly walkable area, and the bus rides are pretty long and convoluted if I want to head downtown or to the North End (usually about 35-45 minutes). There's also the issue of the bus service ending around midnight, and I generally don't want to spend an extra $15-20 in cab fare on top of the cost of cover and drinks.

Next week will be my three year anniversary of living in Halifax; the last two years I've gone out, but I don't really want to spend that much money for food and drinks with a couple of friends, but I'm thinking of doing something lower-key this year. I'm debating whether to just have people over at my place, but that involves cleaning and a conscious effort to entertain. I did have a friend over on Wednesday, but I'm hesitant to try to bring a larger and more disparate group into my space. That feels more like something you do when you've bought a house rather than just rent an apartment.